The Art of Being Compassionate
Doing Good without Getting Burnt Out
There’s an art to being compassionate without getting swallowed up by the world’s pain. After years of working in the trenches as a provider and professor in a psychiatric hospital, I’ve compiled some thoughts on the matter.
Perhaps the most important concept to consider is this: the greatest thing that we can do for the world is simply to liberate our own minds. It's only when we find our true center, that we are really able to act in a selfless and empathic way. The late, wonderful, and ceremoniously disgraced Harvard professor of psychology, Ram Dass (formerly Richard Alpert, Ph.D.), said "I can do nothing for you but work on myself. You can do nothing for me but work on yourself." The more time goes by, the more I understand how deeply true this is. In order to do the purest good, we have to set our ego’s need to accomplish something to the side. The end result of this process is that burnout can often be sidestepped.
I've seen many people in the mental health field with an earnest zeal for helping others burn out going a million miles an hour in the wrong direction. I’ve done it myself. Invariably when this particular thing happens, it is because one’s own ego is in the driver's seat. Rather than continually ensuring that the welfare of others is put first, there is a focus on what our contribution is, if our performance was good enough, and what our behavior says about us. But it was never about us to begin with. By inserting ourselves where we don’t belong, we can take on unnecessary crap and burn out.
There is an internal freedom that comes with a simple focus on getting out of our own ego. This is the type of work we need to do on ourselves in service of others. Once we've found our core beyond ego, it doesn't steer us wrong. We also know that we personally don't have to do it all. It's not about our saving anyone or anything. It's about engaging in compassionate action to help alleviate suffering when presented with the opportunity, regardless of the outcome. It doesn’t matter if the outcome is winning, losing, life, nor death. We’re not trying to achieve anything beyond acting compassionately in the moment.
Consider the act of caring for a beloved ailing grandparent who is ready to die. You care for them not towards the end of having them live forever, but because you love them. Any frantic behavior to help keep them alive is in service of reducing your own anxiety, not in service of helping them. And doing this would only take away from your opportunity to really connect with them. You care for a dying loved one because it is an honor and a privilege. You do it without personal attachment to what can be achieved. That is it. That’s the goal. Foster that quality. Bring it to your work. Processing your own emotions and grief is done separately. Your grief has nothing to do with the loving care provided, save for the awareness that your time with them is fleeting and an opportunity to be treasured.
Acting compassionately in the moment is not only enough, it’s better than if we had acted with a focus on achievement or gain. A focus on outcome diminishes the act of service. If we allow ourselves to act in accordance with attachment to outcome, we let our fear contaminate the act of love. To me, it is love mingled with a compulsive desire to help that is rooted in fear, that is the surest way to burn out.
Work on yourself. Stop idealizing your own achievement. Step outside your ego. Focus on the pure act of giving love. That’s the trick.
